Sunday, 21 November 2010

Through the arch....

We have been reading children's books aloud for the last ten years. It's part and parcel of being a parent I guess. We've been through all the Rainbow Fairies, all the Harry Potter Books, much Doctor Who written merchandise and much more besides. Some I have managed to be mildly entertained by but none so much as the Mr Gum books by Andy Stanton (read to our seven year old son - although he doesn't always really listen) and they regularly make me laugh out loud. There are few books that do that.

Here's a great snippet to give you a flavour if you have not read these books (you have to read it out loud):

Chapter 3
Here's who went through the arch that morning:
First was Old Granny, then Martin Launderette, then the little girl called Peter, a little boy called Rita and a baby called Elsie Wa-Wa. Then a really, really tall bloke called Harry Extreemoleg, then Thora Gruntwinkle with Greasy Ian and their pet monkey Philip the Horror, and then Jonathan Ripple, who got stuck in the archway and had to go on a diet for ten minutes until he'd lost enough weight to squeeze through. Then came David Casserole (the Town Mayor), followed by Charlotte Casserole (his beautiful wife) and Frank Casserole (his beautiful husband). Next was Beany McLeany, wearing a bikini and reading a magaziney. After him came Pamela, Pamela, Pamela, Pamela, Pamela, Pamela, Pamela, Pamela, Pamela and Pamela - or 'the Pamelas' as they were known for short. Then came another Pamela who didn't count with the other Pamelas because none of them liked her. Then came a superhero called the Yellow Wriggler, who caught criminals by crawling along the ground dressed as a banana and shouting at them. After him came an illusionist called the Prince of Illusions. And after him came the Prince of Illusions again. 'Ha ha,' said the Prince of Illusions, 'The first time I went through the arch it was just an illusion!' Then came a few other people I can't be bothered to tell you about, then a couple more and then a couple more. And after them came the heroes - Polly, Friday and Alan Taylor, along with his class of giggling school children. And finally came Crazy Barry Fungus hopping along in his silver birdcage and tweeting like a chaffinch. 'Tweet. tweet!' said Barry Fungus. 'Tweet Tweet,' Wait for me!

Chapter 4


So then I thought. I'll have some go through an Arch. A different arch of course...

First there was Aunt Mo, then huge but quiet Geoffrey Taxidermy and tiny but loud Peanut Smith followed by Harry Flarry who likes to carry loaded up with his wife's annual baked bean shop. Next was Ted McFitwhistle, Jed McFitwhistle, Aled McFitwhistle, and Ned McFitwhistle who everyone thinks are related because they look alike but they're not, followed by Len and Fanny Lazy-Buzzbottom and their boss Graham. Next through was Measuring Matt Metremann with his yard stick who quickly constructed a minimum width warning sign for Frank the hippopotamus with the itchy bottom who turned out to be too wide and so went off looking for another arch. Next through was Dave looking for the Pennine Way, Jane looking for her lost tea cosy, then Humphrey Githead and his leaping giraffe that he had trained to jump over arches but he had a poorly toe and so just walked through. Then came Green Gina, Amber Amber and Red Riding Boot who played traffic lights for a bit causing a momentary queue with Viv Dim and Tom Dum at the front and Jim the decorator looking for work behind them. Once the queue cleared there was Dora Rigworm who got a little of her enormous frizzy hair stuck on the arch hinge and had to be set free by Henry the Chimpanzee who happened to have some scissor in his leopardskin handbag. Then came Ex, Why and Zed the spies who felt sure there was no funny business at the arch and therefore had no need to report to HQ, then Backtofront Brian who walked through backwards followed by Fronttoback Fiona who left before she arrived. Next was Archie Archway who has a PhD in arches who blocked the arch for a while as he took notes, causing Rampant Ruby who was in a rush to get extremely angry because she was late for her ballet lesson. Finally through was Clear-up Kelvin and his multi-purpose cleaning cloth and Claire Clipboard with regulations to shut the arch down because of trading laws.


Did I miss anyone?

19 comments:

  1. Oh and I forgot. Barry Spanglepants the aging popstar with Tina, Gina and Meena the backing singers.

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  2. I am I am Mark and it's got a lot of this kind of thing in it - so better out than in I'd say.
    xxx

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  3. Wonderful. I agree with Mark. and you. Better out than in. Your kids are so lucky to have that kind of gift in you. My favourite is Frontoback Fiona who left before she arrived.
    ;-)

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  4. I loved the spies and the prince of illusions ones best.

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  5. Severe Venn issue. Outrightly rejected by same bit of my brain that detests cartoons. But then I don't like "You Choose" either. I'm so much more an anne-of-green-gables typa lady xxx

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  6. Hi Clipster..Thank you loveliness..your November marathan is nearly done!

    Eric - one of Andy Stanton's and one of mine then. I was anticipating you'd add a few to the queue.

    Jim/Claire - I could have guessed that! I think I did post about Anne of Green Gables once - didn't I. I'll have a look...and if I didn't, I will
    xxxx

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  7. And then there was Archie who just barely fit through without any space to spare on any side because of his large arch shaped body.

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  8. Oh goody, another post from Molls... always a good read.

    Did Green Gina bring her friend the Gina Genie?

    The Pamelas are also known as the sPams on their facebook page. Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, wonderful Paaaaam, lovely Pam!

    You missed Elfin Safety who supervised the demolition of the arch, although he refused so pass under it in case it fell down too early.

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  9. Yes please! A post about anne of green gables. A challenge for you xxx

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  10. Mark...Thank you x. Yes she brought her friend in a plastic Tesco bag and accidentally sat on her but because she was a genie...she used 'tough external shell' magic and so survived. I didn't know of the Pams' collective noun. Always good to be educated. Elfin needs to be told that he who never takes a risk only lives half a life. It's much better the other side of the arch.

    Claire - I looked. I have already covered Anne of Green Gables:
    http://torturedcreative.blogspot.com/2009/11/odd-funny-story.html

    There's even a picture of her
    xxxx

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  11. I would very much like to know: What makes you Middle Class ?

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  12. This Monty Python sketch was the origin of the use of the word "Spam" to mean unsolicited and unwanted items in your email inbox that arrive in quantity...

    http://www.detritus.org/spam/skit.html

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anwy2MPT5RE

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  13. Heronster...I am not 'middle class'....in my opinion there is no such thing.....it's what I have heard people accuse those that read to their children of being....but I did not explain that. It's an inverted snobbery thing....I am an inverted snob...which is a 'middle class' thing!!!! Ha ha

    Codgi....thank you!

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  14. Oh my word you did! I love that picture - makes me go all nostalgic and gooey! I WILL get to Prince Edward island one day and lay in a rowing boat with flowy hair and pretend to be the lady of shallot.

    James

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  15. James,
    I look forward to that very much. You will be beautiful no doubt.
    xxx

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  16. I connected briefly with Andy Statnton on Twitter (I'm new to Twitter - not sure it will be my thing) but he did pop by and declare this was 'nice arch work.'

    I hint written nuffink for a while hev I. The snow is making typing very tricky. Then again I could use the indoors keyboard.

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  17. Brilliant I love what you write!

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