What do YOU do with anger?

My father was prone to angry outbursts! By that I mean that whether he was feeling humiliated, vulnerable, fearful, powerless, disappointed, anxious, hurt, misunderstood or many other emotions, he was quick to express only anger – loudly, suddenly and aggressively, and always towards others. 

On first consideration I might conclude this was because my father received standard conditioning that gave the message that anger was one of the few emotions acceptable for males to express. After all, it feels powerful, in control, shouts, ‘pay attention to my issues now!’ and it can railroad situations that might more appropriately require time-consuming, empathetic and delicate attention – possibly attributes more commonly expected of the female arena! (Sorry about the generalisations! Of course I know there are always exceptions!) 

But it’s also worth considering: it probably does feel easier to experience and express anger outwardly than many other emotions. For example, many years ago, I used to facilitate a training activity that asked participants whether each of the following ways of feeling were better, the same or worse than feeling angry…

…and the majority of people thought feeling angry was preferable to most of these. This might be because anger can bludgeon awareness of underlying feelings. It can act like a shield from having to feel, acknowledge or sit extensively, with more challenging emotions: those that require more nuanced coping strategies if they are to be managed well: in a way where your needs, and of those around you, are more likely to be met. Anger expressed aggressively might ‘shift’ things quickly but it rarely sorts situations out in the best way when we’re in the throes of it. Having an aggressive response on default also means a person’s emotional repertoire is limited and they tend to have the same, inflexible response to many different triggers. In the case of my dad, this lasted his lifetime. 

Another simplifying impact of anger is it acts to reject other people nearby and break, rather than make, connections. As it is often ‘others’ who trigger emotional reactions, this rejection can quite abruptly prevent the continuation of whatever was triggering those underlying emotions. Ironically, however, it also means it can reduce the chances of anyone helping with whatever the true underlying issues or needs are.

A further commonplace example of where anger can be expressed when someone is really experiencing other emotions, can sometimes be found in parenting. For example, when our young child wanders off in a crowded place, we search frantically in a panic. When we are finally reunited, some of us might express anger and disapproval when in reality, if we were to self-reflect we’d realise at that point, what we are consumed with is relief! 

But anger is not always expressed aggressively. At the other end of the spectrum, we can also be told that anger is ‘bad’ and we can go to great lengths to suppress it. We might have learned that expressing anger makes us unlovable or even that it is so abhorrent, expressing it makes us a ‘bad’ person and doing so actually affronts our self-worth. 

The suppression of anger doesn’t always mean the anger goes away of course; it usually means we express it more indirectly. Suppressed anger is the realm of passive aggression, incessant, ineffective complaining and even self-harm of the many and various kinds found in our unhealthy coping strategies. 

So what does the healthy expression of anger look like (when it's not about scaring off a genuinely dangerous threat)? 

Healthy expression and processing of anger is:  

• warranted in an objective sense – as there has been a concrete breach of a justified boundary (and we’ve not distorted or exaggerated any affront). 
• understood and accepted as appropriate in some situations – so we don’t feel ‘bad’ for being angry in itself. 
• not ’hiding’ other emotions such as vulnerability, humiliation, or hurt etc. 
• straightforwardly linked only to whatever triggered it (not loaded up with other issues in a cascading runaway of terrible things we have ever felt misunderstood for, humiliated by, put upon by, let down by etc.). 
• proportionate to the ‘size’ of the affront (not making a huge fuss about a tiny thing or making a quiet fuss over a major thing). Research has shown that others are always more sympathetic to anger they deem pitched at the justified amount for whatever triggered it! 
• considerate of the needs and possible viewpoints of all involved – as anger does tend to make us focused only on our own needs. 
• expressed in a way that aims to keep the stress of everyone involved to a minimum while aiming to assertively have needs and issues acknowledged and addressed.
• sometimes appropriately processed by reframing what happened with open-minded curiosity and ‘letting it go’. 
• not commonplace! 

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